“No, babe, sorry, no more babies for me… I already have kids.”
Has your boyfriend or husband said this to you before? Or maybe you’re a man reading this that feels that way too?
Chances are, you’re in a stepfamily. And like many stepfamilies, there’s a lot of challenges & obstacles to overcome – including the decision whether or not to have more children.
To add an “ours baby”- a biological child between the new couple – to a stepfamily is a big decision and one that cannot be taken lightly.
However, what is most important is that you make this decision together.
We want to combat the 3 BIGGEST FEARS that people may experience (especially remarried dads) when it comes to adding another baby to the family.
no more babies
Fear #1 – My kids will feel replaced
When you’re adding a new baby to the family, you’re not replacing anyone. Rather, you’re adding to everyone. We would recommend communicating to your children that this baby will have the beautiful privilege of connecting everyone in a way you haven’t all been before… through blood.
Now everybody in your family’s connected with one another. This baby will share their DNA.
Where your kids may struggle to the adjustment a new baby brings, this would have been the same if you had another child with their mom. Yes, we all have to make sacrifices with a baby – for instance they have to take naps during the day, so your children will have to take this into consideration – but at the same time you’re growing their empathetic skills. And this is only in the short term; over time when they’re grown up, they’ll have another sibling to share memories of you when you’re no longer on this earth.
As parents, you do have some control of what emotions you want to emphasize in their lives. Involve your children, share with them what’s going on, guide the way they’re thinking and actively bring your children in the world of the baby so encourage them to bond with their new sibling.
What you also might want to take into consideration is that you can still have quality time with each child individually, so they all feel special and uniquely loved.
no more babies
Fear #2 – I won’t love this new child the same way
We fear what we do not know, right? You don’t know how you’ll love this child until they are here. But because you have the gift of being a parent already, you know that intense amount of love that awaits when you hold a newborn in your arms. And any parent that has more than one child will tell you: your heart grows. You will love this child as much as you love your other kids. Even, perhaps more special, is you’ll be sharing them with the love of your life. An experience you do not want to miss out on.
Fear #3 – My spouse will forget my kids, and only love this child
What kind of relationship does your spouse have with your kids right now? One of friendship & fun, or distance and struggle? Wherever things are at, it doesn’t mean that they will stay there. Work together on solidifying a strong bond between your spouse and your kids now, so that when the baby comes, it’ll be a natural transition for everyone’s heart to grow for each other. Your kids will now be siblings to your spouse’s baby. Remember that blood-tie, thing? Where your spouse may love your “ours” baby differently, it does not mean they will stop loving your children. On the contrary, now they understand what it’s like to be a ‘true’ parent, so they’ll be in a better position of understanding what it’s like to love your offspring.
(If this is a genuine fear, let’s get on a call together and discuss these things. Nothing is beyond help!)
no more babies
Bonus Fear – If we break up, that’ll be ANOTHER kid in the middle of two homes
We actually went through this one ourselves. Chey remembers when she first told Kim she was pregnant. After the initial joy, this fear creaped in. Kim already had one child go through a family break-up, and it’s something he would never ever want to put another child through.
But just because your previous marriage failed and now your kids have to move houses every week, doesn’t mean that the same fate awaits your current family and children.
SO, instead of this fear holding you back, use it to propel you forward, by making sure that the same thing won’t ever happen again. You’re older and wiser now, and you’ve learned from mistakes you’ve made in the past. Now you’re in a position to make sure that this marriage doesn’t fial. Now you’re in a position to make past wrongs right.
And if you’re really that afraid of losing your family – again – then you better make sure you take appropriate proactive action, so book a call because your happily-ever-after’s guaranteed.
no more babies
At the end of the day, we can’t make this choice for you; only you and your spouse can.
However, it is imperative that you have this conversation – and probably many of them – so that both spouses can be heard and understood on this specific issue.
If not, resentment could begin to build up, and you would be headed for (another) divorce.
And you’ll have to live with the feeling of letting the love of your life slip away.
We recommend you use the 3 FEARS we described here as conversation starters between you and your spouse. If you’re still finding it challenging to navigate the conversation, we’d love to help you along. Come book a chat with us HERE, and we will get on the same page with you both.