Want to know the biggest secret for how to stop resentment from growing in your marriage? Do less. Yep, that’s it. It’s actually THAT simple. Well, the answer may be that simple, but putting that into practice, every single day, is a whole other story. The ultimate goal is to work smarter, and not HARDER in your marriage. However, in order to get there and know WHAT to do, WHAT to focus on and HOW to put it all together, so you get the actual result you want, those are the answers you’ll get as we dive deeper as you read through this article. We promise, if you read through to the end, you’ll know the exact steps to take in order to stop resentment from growing in your marriage and get you & your spouse back on the same page.
*If you’d rather put on your headphones, listen in & dive deeper, than check out our podcast right here, on the same topic.
Assess YOUR expectations
You’ve probably heard many times before – The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. There is such solid truth there and we are going to apply some of that here. Instead of focusing on your spouse, your first step is to assess your own expectations. What do you feel is expected of you? How much of what you’re doing for your spouse and your marriage is because you think you have to? Or perhaps, because that’s what your mom did or what you think a wife should do? These are some challenging questions to answer – but the more you courageously take on, the clearer you’ll get to the answers of what actually matters and what matters most. Take a moment to go through these questions above and journal out your answers. This will prep you for the next two steps!
What Do They Actually WANT
Now that you’ve thought over your expectations, it’s time to think over what your spouse has communicated that they DO want you to do or how to love them. It’s one thing to have our own ideas of how to love our spouse, however, it’ll matter very little if it’s not done in their love language. We want to make sure as spouse’s that we study our husband or wife and we really listen to what they say. Sometimes, it’s even more crucial to tune our ears to what they DON’T say. When you thought over your expectations in your previous step, how many of them can you say your spouse has asked you to do? Whatever ones don’t show an overlap, it’s time to drop them, and focus on loving your spouse in the ways he or she desires; not by doing more.
To get clearer on what your spouse’s love language is and how to speak it well in everyday life, click here.
What Is Most Important
Now, it’s finally time to go to your spouse and involve them in on this journey. Share with them the work you’ve already done. Let them know that it’s important to you that you want to love them well & love them intentionally. You can share with them the list of things you have come up with that you believe are important to them – however, ask them for clarity. Make sure your list matches their list and heart’s desires. If it doesn’t – don’t get discouraged! Look at this as an opportunity for growth and clarity in your relationship. You can also come prepared with your own list of what matters most to YOU when it comes to your relationship and being loved well.
Ultimately, when someone is loved well, they will also love back well. That’s the grand prize here! The better and more intentionally WE love, the more apt our spouse will be to also do so. Remember, however, marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Just like Rome wasn’t built in a day. You may not see your spouse change over night – but with consistency, patience & lots of intentional love, your marriage will flourish and thrive.
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We look forward to seeing you there!!!
-Kim & Cheyanne