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What Every Stepmom Wishes Her Husband Understood

a woman crying while sitting beside a man

What Every Stepmom Wishes Her Husband Understoo

There’s a saying that goes that women want to be loved, and men want to be respected. Now, I am sure we can all agree, we, regardless of gender, want some of both – however, one of those may often be more important to a wife rather than her husband.  

Even while having a healthy marriage within the context of a stepfamily, there are still many misunderstandings that can happen. And there are some things, that no matter how many times we try to share with one another, that we will fully be able to understand.  

a woman crying while sitting beside a man
No couple understands each other fully 100% of the time.

With our clients, we often remind them about how their opinions and beliefs in certain situations are impacted by their perceptions of that situation. It is how we perceive that mostly determines what we believe.  

So, what do we believe about our spouse? About ourselves? And what do we, the stepmoms, want our husbands to know and believe about us?  

Listed below are very common examples we’ve collected from our clients and social media connections to share what we’d like you, dear husband, to understand from our perspective…  

We want a role, even though we’re not their mom

We know we’re not their mom, and we know you get that too. However, that doesn’t mean we still don’t want a role in their lives. We know you may offer us the “easier out” and try to handle it all on your own, but we want to help support you. We are your teammate and want to be so in ALL things. We love your kids, but also have a sense of responsibility towards them. We know you try to make so many people happy – your ex, your kids, and me – and we want to make life easier for you, but also more enjoyable for us and the whole family. We want to decide on a role with you that’ll work for our family, so I can get off the sidelines, and feel like a key player again.  

We still want time with you, even when your kids are here  

We know this is a new normal for everyone. Every person in our family is having to adjust to this new family dynamic. And even when this isn’t new anymore, it doesn’t make it easier to share your attention and love with others all the time. I know and understand your kids, especially when they’re with us, need that extra love and attention. In fact, I want you to do that. And I want you to be able to do that without feeling guilty about me either…so, let’s still find time for one another. I know it won’t be the same as when it’s just us, or us in our ours babies, and I can accept that. But, I’d still like some time with you, and connect with you, even if it’s in shorter times or different ways.  

We want you to talk to us – share with us not just how much you miss the kids, but miss us too 

Believe it or not, we often miss your kids too. It feels different when they’re not around. There’s an empty space that only they can fill. However, when they go back to their bio mom’s house, we don’t want to see you fall into a deep depression, just waiting for the next time they’re around. We want to know and be given the opportunity to have a full and vibrant life, even when they’re not here. We know you miss them, and we try to understand. We know nothing or no one will ever replace them. But, we too, miss you when you’re either away physically or especially emotionally when you’re thinking of them. We want you to come to us – share with us how you’re feeling – so we can listen. And then tackle this…together.  

man and woman looking at earch other
Come together & remember you two are a team.

Chances are, there are many other things that stepmoms want their husbands to know and understand about this sometimes-overwhelming dynamic of being in a stepfamily. However, these 3 should give you a good start to begin some conversations and offer some space of understanding for each other’s perspective.  

(It’s so important as a stepmom, that you take good care of yourself and develop a healthy mindset when it comes to your role in your stepfamily. To get a fresh start in that endeavour, download our FREE “5 Mindset Shifts to a Happier StepMom” right here)

See you next time,

Kim & Cheyanne Cleyman

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